Falling Short of my own Exectations.

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust;
I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? Psalm 56:3-4
I do not easily share my troubles. In prayer this Sunday the message from the Lord was that He was remodeling and putting in doors that people could see through. I want to be a door upon which the seeking, the hurting, the lost are drawn to knock. I hope when they look through the door the see Jesus.

I have had a hard week. I made a big math mistake with my bank account. Which makes the amount that I need to trust God for this week about double my normal need.
This issue for me is not about if God can or will provide. I know he will. The issue has been my own failure and having to admit my weakness in this area. I don't suppose this is a new revelation for my Lord who created my inmost being. I have struggled a lot with discouragement, and frustration with myself, and a little self pity just for good measure.
One of my prayer partners pointed out to me yesterday - that I am good at extending grace to others but she notice that it is hard for me to extend that same measure of grace to myself. She was so right. I'd prefer to pull myself up by my bootstraps rather than fall upon the grace of God. Forgive me Lord.

I suppose it gives me a better understanding of Paul when he says in Romans 7:19 (The Message)

17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it,
and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions,
I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It is good for me to see the great hero's of the faith did not live up to their own expectations any more than I do. Maybe today just like me you need to hear the solution. So keep reading in Romans 8.

The Solution Is Life on God's Terms
1-2With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved.
Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime
of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

3-4God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son.
He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant.
In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered
mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code,
weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.

The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.

5-8Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring
their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life.
Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God.
Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored.

So for me the last few days have been about where I will focus - will I focus on myself and my problems or will I resist that and focus on Jesus. For me I have spent time in the word and in prayer and in worship to allow the Lord to heal this broken part that has come to the surface and to my attention this past week. It has been there for a long time - I must fall in to the arms of grace and accept that I really can't even on my best days make it on my own.
This is probably not my best or most creative post - but I hope if you are having a hard day that it will help you as it has helped me to write about my journey of the past few days.
The following verse has been a great comfort to me during this time.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (New International Version)

9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

When I am weak, then I am strong!
May the strength of the Lord rise up in me and in you too, friend, for truly His grace is sufficient!